How will Mugabe finally bump off Morgan Tsvangirai?

Morgan Tsvangeriai, Prime Minister of Zimbabwe has once again narrowly avoided death after his car was hit by a freight lorry as he drove into the capital city Harare. The crash, which left Tsvangirai with minor injuries and his wife Susan dead, is just one of many near fatal incidents that have occurred over a decade of actively campaign against Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe and dictatorial shitbag. The official line is that the driver of the lorry fell asleep at the wheel, precisely at the moment when the prime minister was heading towards him, veering off at just the right angle to hit Tsvangiari’s car. With luck like that Mugabi really should do the Zimbabwean lottery, except the million dollar cash prize would only get you a pack of Marlboro lights and a box of matches.

There is a chance that this was an accident, but it goes to show just how violent the political climate has become when the odds are more in favour of an assassination attempt. I feel pretty confident to call this one as a shot just wide of the post for Mugabe, who seems to be able to murder and starve his own people with impunity, secure in the impotency of the international community.

Assuming that he gets the full 200 years of life guaranteed him by the devil when he sold his soul, how will Mugabe, a man who’s so busy trying to oust Tsvangiari that he forgets not to dress like he’s doing the annual comic relief fun run each morning, finally put paid to the pesky prime minister. Here are a few of my carefully worked out predictions.

1. Whilst visiting Tsangaris in hospital to wish him a speedy recovery, Mugabe kindly brings him a bag of grapes, a copy of nuts magazine and a wash bag. “Thanks Rob, I must admit I’m feeling a bit minty and could use a wash. Damn, you forgot to put a toothbrush in.” “No problem,” says Mugabe, “just give your pegs a quick rub with the pillow; it’ll at least get the worst of the stains off.” As Morgan is wiping his teeth, Rob notices a mosquito has landed on the prime ministers head. “oh dear,” thinks Rob, “I’d better bat that away, I know for a fact from his MySpace page that mosquito bites are Morgan’s third most disliked thing, just after assassination attempts and the music of Cold Play,” As Rob leans over to swat away the pesky mossie, tragedy strikes. He slips on the still wet blood of a cholera victim who’d had the bed previously. With his arms akimbo and his legs flailing like Willie Coyote, Mugabe frantically reaches out to steady himself, landing both palms on Tsvangirai’s pillow, pushing it down into the prime ministers mouth, suffocating him. “Oh no,” thought Mugabe, “I’m accidentally choking Morgan with his pillow, but if I let go I’ll fall into the blood and stain my suit. I’m meeting the South African ambassador later to thank him for obstructing efforts by the international community to curtail my dictatorial shenanigan, and turning up in a blood stained suit would be one hell of a faux pas. Sorry Morgan, looks like your goose is cooked.”

2. The lorry driver, wracked with guilt for falling asleep at the wheel, decides to drop of a bunch of flowers to Mr. Tsvangiari and apologies in person. Unfortunately, on his way to the hospital, he once again falls asleep at the wheel of his lorry after staying up all night watching Zimbabwean big brother, smashing into the exact room of where Morgan is recovering.

3. A pissed of Robert Mugabe turns up to hospital, revolver in hand, marching straight into Tsvangiari’s room. “Alright Tsvangers, that does it, I can’t be arsed with all this fannying around. I’ve had it up to here with your selfish refusal to be assassinated, for fucks sake I’m trying to run a country into the ground and you’re not helping. It’s like my great granddad said “if you want someone killing you have to soot him yourself,” or was that Bob Hope, no matter, the point’s still valid.” Said Mugabe, as he expertly popped off a few rounds off into Tsvangiari’s bonce.

Tune in next week, as I finalize my prediction about what hilarious prank North Korean leader Kim Jong Ill will play at the UN with the miniature nuclear device he got for Christmas. The results: explody!